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Setting Boundaries with Diplomacy

judytherapyspot



Most people have difficulty setting boundaries while simultaneously remaining friendly and polite. Dialelectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skills address this challenge very effectively. There is a difference between aggressive and assertive behaviors. Assertive behavior refrains from accusing the next person of intentionally causing distress due to his/her action, the speaker merely describes his/her negative feelings that result from the other person’s actions without blame. On the other hand, aggressive behavior is condemning the person's conduct using the pronoun "you." The “I” statement is a good format used to implement assertive behavior effectively.


The “I” pronoun precedes the emotion that the person experiences, indicating to the individual addressed that he/she is not responsible for the emotion of the speaker. The speaker further elaborates when he/she faces a particular emotion and specifies the behavior the other person did to cause the distress. He/she continues to explain why he/she feels this way which exonerates the other person of blame since the speaker conveys that he/she is aware that the other party did not deliberately intend to cause him/her distress. The speaker can elaborate his wishes by continuing to express his/her wishes and specifies what he/she would like the person to do. A summary of a complete “I” statement in the format below.

I feel ___________ when you _____________ because_____________

I want you to______________.

The person can negotiate with the other person what will meet the needs of both parties after he/she expresses his/her wishes and reach a solution satisfying both parties.

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